Maybe Matilda: Is this real life?

Monday, March 12, 2012

Is this real life?

(If you’re stopping by to enter the 5 Berries pattern giveaway . . . we’ve postponed until next week—sorry for the inconvenience! Check back Monday, March 19th for the giveaway!)

These past two weeks have sure been a doozy. (Or, since it was multiple weeks, am I supposed to pluralize and call them doozies? That just doesn’t sound right. Doozies? Doozy? I give up.) We took a whirlwind trip to Pennsylvania to visit Jeff’s family, then came home and started house-hunting (yikes). I played single mom for a few exhausting days while Jeff pulled 12-ish-hour workdays, all while I was crocheting like a madwoman to stock up for the Queen Bee Market next month.

My fingers hurt. My brain hurts. My ears hurt, because of course Forrest is teething (constantly) and misses his dad and is not shy about expressing his anger. My hat is off to actual single mothers. And last night, I woke up to my sleep-talking husband sitting up in bed in the middle of the night, demanding to know who I was and what I had done with Forrest. (Yes, I’m a kidnapper. I took your child and then climbed into bed with you and fell asleep. That’s what we kidnappers do, didn’t you know?)

Anyway. I’m sure what you REALLY wanted to hear today was a crazy story about a naturopathic nutso calling me fat, right? Isn’t that what you scour blogs for? That’s the reason I’m a blog reader, really . . . I just keep waiting for wild fat stories. Well, today I. CAN. DELIVER! This should be a nice Monday pick-me-up for you . . .

The reason Jeff was having such long days at work was to man his office’s booth at the Salt Lake Tribune Home and Garden Show. He got me a few free tickets, so my sister, sister-in-law, Forrest, and I headed up Saturday afternoon to check it out. We were standing by the Vitamix booth, scoring ourselves some free smoothies and doing our best to avoid eye contact with any salespeople. I’m a master of the awkward mumble-and-sidestep move to get around booth pitchmen. I feel like wearing a sign to these sorts of things—“I have no money. I seriously cannot buy your stuff. But I will gladly accept your free samples.”

I feel a tap on my shoulder as someone says, “Ma’am, is that your baby?” In a moment of panic, I spin around, expecting to see Forrest has escaped from his stroller and is being carried off by a stranger (the sort of person who will later fall asleep in our bed after kidnapping our child, I’m sure), and see a middle-aged man pointing at Forrest (who is just sitting in his stroller). I say yes, and he immediately launches into an extremely confusing sales pitch . . . after a brief intro of himself as a wildly famous and successful naturopath (which I somehow doubt), he starts talking about his wife, who was able to have a vaginal birth against all odds, and don’t we all dream of a vaginal birth, and wouldn’t you like to have a vaginal birth, and so on. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in the position of having a male stranger accost you in a crowded room and preach to you about the excitement and wonder of a vaginal birth, but I’ll tell you this: it’s kind of awkward. I didn’t particularly want to hear about his wife’s vaginal birth. I got really tired of hearing him say the words “vaginal birth.” You’re probably getting tired of it, too. And all this time, I still had no idea what he was trying to sell me . . . a vaginal birth? Do they sell those these days?

He finally hands me this little card, pictured below, and says to me with great intensity, staring me down in a sort of sisterly, compassionate, I-feel-your-pain kind of way, “I know how hard it can be for moms to lose weight.”

DSC_0523-1 OH NO HE DIDN’T! Tell me that a stranger, a middle-aged man, did NOT just approach me, ask if I was a mother, and tell me he gets it. He can finally help me lose all this baby weight I’m dragging around. Really, sir? This is your sales pitch? To find women carting children around, approach them in the middle of a huge group where they can’t possibly escape from you and your uncomfortable vaginal-birth-ridden sales pitch, and tell them, “I can help you lose that disgusting chub clinging to every inch of your body!”?

While I’m puzzling through all of this, wondering if this is real life or maybe there’s a hidden camera somewhere and this will be airing on TV later, he’s pointing at the woman on the card and telling me that if she did it, I can, too! With his help and his magical herbs, I can lose the stomach pooch (that’s a quote! he seriously said “stomach pooch!”) that plagues us mothers! I think he started to realize how awful this was sounding (and maybe noticing the looks of complete bewilderment and simmering rage on my face), so he tried to backtrack with a less-than-tactful, “And I, uhhhh, I’m only offering this to you because you look, uhhh, fit and slender! I don’t even try to talk overweight people into this program because they just don’t care about their health!”

GOOD SAVE, DOC. First I was a chubby, poochy, pathetic and unmotivated mom who needed your rescuing, but now you’ve changed your mind and decided that I am actually slender and that is why I need to lose weight with your assistance? Not to mention that you think being overweight means you just don’t give a crap about your health? I would have to disagree with that statement . . .

He finally bowed out not too gracefully by letting me know that I could email him with any questions and he’d just looooove to work with me. I bet. I do have a few questions, come to think of it. Mostly about the nature of his sales pitch and the questionable wisdom in calling potential customers fat. I’d also love to learn a little more about his wife’s vaginal birth, because I certainly didn’t hear enough about that.

(By the way, this is SO not a request for compliments and reassurance about my figure. I feel just dandy about my appearance and my health, no thanks to Mr. Nutty Naturopath up there. It was just one of those “is this real life?” moments that simply cannot be kept off the internet. And if you are interested in his products or want to get his email address . . . I am definitely not passing it along to you. A salesman of his caliber needs to go out of business, pronto.)

37 comments :

  1. WOW...just WOW. It's not even like you had a NEWBORN with you either, you had a toddler which can, in a lot of ways make it MORE offensive. I hope you get some much needed "couch potato" moments whether it be 5-10 minutes here or there because it sounds like you need it after all the crazy-ness.

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  2. First off, thank you for the laugh. Second, This guy needs a serious reality check... obviously he doesn't really have a wife because if he did, he would've known better than talk to a woman like that. If he did truly have a wife, there would have been no vaginal birth because no woman in her right mind would take the neccesary steps needed to procreate. That's all I have to say. That man was c-razy!

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    1. Hahahaha! Kim, I am literally laughing out loud at that . . . you've got some solid logic there!

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  3. Ok, so how much does it look like the woman on that card is sucking in?! All I can say is I am so, SOOOO, glad that this happened to you instead of me! Anyone with the nerve to tell me how quickly I'll be able to loose this baby weight is likely to be walking away with a black eye. (Can assault be blamed on pregnancy hormones? lol)

    Sure hope you can find time for a little break soon, and Good Luck house hunting!

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  4. I have no smartass remark for this. I'm not sure if it's the sinus cold (I feel like I'm driving impaired and all that jazz) or just the extreme insanity of this conversation.
    I wish I could think of something else to say b/c my toddler just woke up from her nap and is loudly saying "Uh ohhhh" over and over again and that sortof fills me with fear and the desire for procrastination.

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  5. Replies
    1. The story of your sleep talking husband comes in a very close second!

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    2. Oh, I have so many sleep talking stories about him . . . he's out of control.

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  6. first of all i totally would have smacked him over the vaginal birth comment. i had to have 3 c-sections and just had a 4th to clean up all the scar tissue and adheasions from the previous 3. i also had to say good bye to being preggers ever again. so i am so one of those that women that will gladly throw up the middle finger to those that love to brag about their vaginal births...and to their husbands.

    then smack him again for the fact that he would even dare approach you! i would LOVE to have your figure, seriously! every time i see you in skinny jeans i think look at that skinny little thing. your beautiful and a big fat middle finger up to him! how dare he!

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  7. Oh my goodness, he has obviously taken one too many herb potions, imagine coming up to anyone with a sales pitch like that!
    I think I would have slapped him!
    Alison
    x

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  8. If someone has to ask "is this your baby?" before they can even tell you about how to lose that stubborn baby weight, they *just* might be targeting the wrong people.

    I think better marketing would be to stand on a table and shout "Hey, fatties, I have some cookies". And there, my friend, you have amassed quite the target crowd.

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  9. Who is this guy? Maybe he had one too many of his natural pills... And I don't understand why there are 4 photos of the same woman, sucking it in, er, I mean, looking basically the same in every photo on that card.

    That's a funny story about Jeff. Brad only sleep talks and walks when he's exhausted. I have a funny story about one of his sleep walk/talk episodes. Well, it's funny and scary at the same time. But it's more of an "I'll email you" story.

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  10. How rude! I think I would have walked away.

    Lol about your hubby talking in his sleep!

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  11. Bahahaha. I don't really have anything cool to say about this. It seems to have all been said. But thanks for sharing, because like you said, it is too ridiculous to keep off the internet. And anyway, you're one of the most absent-stomach-pooch moms I've ever seen!

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  12. I would have kicked this guy, for sure! After hearing out his sales pitch of course, because I'm respectfull like that ;)
    But seriously, what a douche...
    xo,
    wink

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  14. I had a dream Nate shot me the other night and I woke up and went to sleep in the guest room...downstairs...with the door locked. Stress does awesome things. Hope you and the husbandfigure get some rest soon.

    That doctor dude sounds like a total ladies man. I was hoping someone would talk to you about your obesity...I'm just glad I'm not the one that had to. ;P

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  15. I wasn't sure where you were going with the title but I read on. I'm glad I did - that was hilarious. I'm still chuckling. I think the only thing you can do is laugh out loud and scratch your head (as you have done above). Good for you and keep the perspective that he's nuts and you are not.

    *ahem, vaginal birth, ahem* (this discussion was priceless)

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  16. Just wow. I love that this happened to you because you are the BEST at relating stories! Although I'm sorry you had to hear the word "vaginal" so much. {shiver}

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  17. Oh my! You are one of the last people I would think would need advice on how to get rid of the baby weight. But then maybe you're really just a master of spanx (sp??? Don't think I've ever typed that word before).
    Totally get the feeling like a single mom even though you're not. But my husband has been home, just very very sick. Nothing like a baby who just wants his daddy, huh?
    And now I'm going to look forward to wearing maternity pants tomorrow... ah the beauty of a stretchy waist :)

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  18. Apparently, today is a "vagina" kind of day, since I just went to the OB doc - yes, that's just the sort of information you needed to know about me today, right? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed those free smoothies, and good luck house hunting! Remember, IKEA can fix just about anything :-)

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  19. Oh my goodness I'm laughing so hard right now! It really was one of those "are you serious" moments! I'm so glad you shared this awkward experience because it just made my day. That guy was a total nut job!!

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  20. HAAA!! That whole post had me laughing from start to finish. From sleep talking husband (mine once tried to get fresh with me, sexy talk and all...while completely asleep) to the moron herbal dude...because I'm sure he "understands" what it's like to carry another human in your stomach for 9 months. Wonder if his wife knows how much he discusses her vagina in public?

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  21. I am in amazement! How could anyone in their right mind think that that would be a great approach to get new costumers??! As someone who is dieting (yuck! but I have lost 25lbs yea me!)trying to lose that extra baby weight - which by the way my "baby" is almost 4-years-old - I think I would have burst into tears if someone said those things to me. It is just so rude! Luckily you have a good body imagine and could handle it!! ;-)

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  22. Wow! Totally unbelievable! What a creepster. He sounds mentally ill actually. I had a lady say to me the other day, after finding out I was pregnant, "I came home from the hospital weighing 100 pounds." I was a little taken aback by that... how encouraging (not)! Haha!

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  23. Wow. Your post just made my day! Sometimes, you just can't make stuff up. Sorry you had to put up with all the crazy, but glad it could make me chuckle today!

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  24. What a complete loser! I'm the type of person that would kindly listen to the shpeal, say "No, thank you", and then wish I had said some choice words in the midst of it all. A few weeks back, I was taking my son to martial arts (when I also go run 4-6mi during his class). I had a guy come up to my car and ask if I liked to exercise and lose weight. I replied that I've run marathons and am actively trying to lose weight. He then went on this big gimmick speech about how his 'power smooties' could help me, yadda yadda yadda. I took his card. I tossed his card later.

    Chalk this moment up to a life experience that you never care to repeat. For some reason, there are folks out there that are crazy and aren't afraid to butt into our business. This guy was clueless.

    As for your handsome hubby talking in his sleep, I hear ya! I'm coming up on 22yrs of wedded bliss with my hubby this weekend. He has conducted business meetings in his sleep, giggled and acted like someone was tickling him in his sleep, had angry conversations, etc. A few weeks ago, I swear he sounded like one of the Three Stooges with Woo Woo Woo noises. I almost fell out of bed laughing. :^D

    Whether it is a moron trying to get you to listen to his pitch, and a hubby accusing us of kidnapping in their sleep, you have to laugh at Life. THESE are the moments that make life interesting :D

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  25. HE DIDN'T? HE DID NOT?!

    I'm sure he did REALLY well selling his wares with that pitch.

    People are just crazy and awkward. In real life and online. Thta's the bottom line. But, it makes for a funny story.

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  26. you just made my day.. people will do anything to make money

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  27. Please tell me he didn't really do that to you. He sounds rather scary to me! Beware of strange men approaching you telling you they would love to work with you! I'm sure he and any other man would! As for him being a doctor, any one of us with computer savvy can make up some business cards that say anything we want them to say. Some men just can't be trusted alone with a slim good-looking female! I think he was a wolf in sheep's clothes.

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  28. Oh I about died laughing reading that story! The nerve of some people! (Oh, and your husband sleep talking is hilarious. My husband does that too. They say the stragest things!)

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  29. My husband talks in his sleep too. Isn't it great, to be woken up out of a great dream, to be yelled at incoherently!!
    I must say I am impressed that you didn't hit crazy Dr. man. I think I may have or at least said something nasty back to him. I hope you get a small (or big) break soon.:)

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  30. While my husband doesn't sleep talk he does give me funny looks when I am laughing at the screen - which is exactly what just took place because all I kept thinking is "you have got to be kidding me!". I am sure an hour from now as I am in getting in the shower and looking at my baby pooch (oh btw my baby is 16) I will be wondering what that mans number is just so I can punch him in the face!!!

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  31. My husband once sat up in his sleep, gave me this double hand gun shooting salute, said something like "groovy" and went back to sleep. He did not remember doing it the next day. Completely denied he could have done it. LOL

    I have to agree with Kadie above, I would have hit this guy that tried to sell me his weight loss wonder scheme. Let alone talk about how wonderful vaginal birth is, creepy! He had better rethink his marketing strategy because going up to any woman and making them feel fat makes them more angry than anything.

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  32. I'm the sleep talker in the family and my daughters just love making fun of the things I say!

    As for that ridiculous guy, wouldn't you just love to have some fabulous come back that would leave the guy scratching his head and saying "wha...."

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  33. I'm totally delayed on reading this but...I'm...speechless. Really. That whole experience just blows my mind.

    preethi
    lace, etc.

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  34. there was a camera in end, after all, right??
    because if there wasn't...WOW! I just don't have the words, really!!

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