Maybe Matilda: A response to “Dear mom on the iPhone”

Saturday, February 16, 2013

A response to “Dear mom on the iPhone”

On Friday, the Deseret News posted an article by Tonya Ferguson called Dear Mom on the iPhone. The author shared a letter-style article written to a mom at the park who checked her phone as her kids played. Ms. Ferguson informed this mom of all the sweet moments with her children she was missing or only engaging in halfheartedly while she placed most of her attention on her phone. She informed this mother that although she is sure her heart is in the right place, she needs to “put [her] eyes back on [her] prize” and stop showing her kids that “the phone is more important than they are,” because their childhood is passing quickly and (apparently) every moment not spent fixated on the children is a reminder of their unimportance in their mother’s life.

As I first started to read the article, I’ll admit to feeling the defensiveness of the damned. Why, just a few days ago I took my son to the park and planted myself on a bench to read a book while he played. Every few minutes, he’d come over to me and take my hand, and I’d stand ready to catch and ‘swoop’ him at the bottom of the slide or help him climb up a high step, then I’d head back to my bench and pick up my book and let him play on his own for a few more minutes. I felt a guilty prick as I read the article: was I really that terrible of a mother because I didn’t spend every moment at the park playing with him? Did he really feel he was unimportant to me simply because I brought a book to read while he played? Was I really teaching him that he was unloved or unworthy of my attention because I stole a few moments of playtime at the park to enjoy a moment of quiet with a book?

Then my guilt transformed into a feeling of annoyance, and different questions replaced my self-doubting ones: when will this judgment stop? When will we, as mothers, band together in love and support of each other instead of continuing to come up with an infinite number of ways to criticize others’ parenting style and choices? Why can’t we, as mothers and parents and women, trust that we are each doing our best, no matter how different that ‘best’ may look from one woman to the next? Why can’t we each be given the respect to make our own choices with our children, and not be made to feel like failures when we don’t all make identical choices?

My visit to the park with a book would surely have warranted the criticism of Ms. Ferguson. Because I heard my son “whee!”-ing his way down the slide and continued reading after only a quick glance up at him to say, “Good job!” Because after a few minutes of chasing and tickling him while he laughed and shouted in excitement, I told him, “Ok, have fun! Mommy’s going to sit down for a few minutes.” Because once or twice, when he came to take my hand and pull me up from my seat on the bench, I told him, “Go on and head down the slide! That looks like fun!” and chose to stay sitting with my book instead.

But what Ms. Ferguson doesn’t see is the rest of the picture. Every other moment of my—and the infamous ‘mom with the iPhone’s’—life. She is armed and ready to criticize us for our moment of quiet at the park, but what she doesn’t see are the meals enjoyed together, spent laughing and joking and talking about the day. She doesn’t see the game we played together before heading to the park, or the snuggling while we watched a movie together after we came home. She doesn’t see the book we read together before naptime, or the comfort we offered after a scary nightmare last night, or the ‘tickle monster’ attack when Daddy got home from work that day. She doesn’t see our tears as we question our choices or worry about our children or wonder if we’re doing a good job raising them. No, just the moment with the book or iPhone in the park is enough for her to decide that “the phone is more important than [the children] are.”

I want my children to know how precious they are to me. I want them to know that they are loved deeply and cherished and worried for and thought about and prayed for, and I do everything I can to make sure of it. But another important lesson that I want them to learn is that mom is a person, too. Just like them, Mom has her own needs and wants that might be different from theirs. I want them to know that the world does not revolve around their every whim and desire. I hope to teach them, perhaps, that mom could sure use a few minutes on the couch with her book to regain some energy to play with them more a little later, and that I have responsibilities and interests outside of their daily care. I want them to learn that I trust them to be able to entertain themselves, that I have confidence that they will be able to play on their own and have fun without Mommy’s constant interaction. I want them to see and know that just as they sometimes want a moment to play alone or watch TV or not participate in an activity that doesn’t look fun to them, Mom also sometimes needs a few quiet minutes or a chance to catch up on something she needs to do.

So, no, I do not feel guilty about reading my book in the park the other day. And I’ll do it again, gladly, because as important as my child is to me, I also value myself, my own wants and needs, the person that I was before I had a child and the person that I am today who, just like my son, also deserves nourishing and time and growth. I love my son and I make sure he knows it, and I do not believe that taking a few moments for myself detracts from that love in any way. In fact, I truly feel that I am a better mother after taking some time to focus on myself and meet my own wants and needs, and if that time for myself comes in the form of a few moments to read in the park or—gasp—to use my phone to text my sister or catch up on friends’ news on facebook, I will gladly embrace it. Sure, I might miss a few sweet moments here and there while taking time for myself, but the trade-off, for me, is worth it: I’ll be rejuvenated enough, renewed enough, and whole enough to appreciate more greatly the moments I am fully present for.

Now, I don’t mean for this post to just be a backlash to the “Mom on the iPhone” article. I have no doubt that Ms. Ferguson is a fabulous mother, and I hope that she didn’t intend her article to be a criticism of other moms and their need—which maybe she herself doesn’t feel—to take a moment for themselves amid the wildness that is a day with young children. I hoped that I could touch on something bigger, and could maybe start to reverse the idea that we, as mothers and women, somehow have the right to criticize each other, that we have the role and responsibility of making others’ decisions for them and deciding after a moment’s observation that we know what is best for someone else’s family and their children.

From now on, this will be my mantra: “I am doing my best. And so is she.”

I truly can’t think of a mother I know who does not appear to be doing her best with her children, who doesn’t value and cherish those little ones and make sure they know her feelings toward them. And I similarly can’t think of a mother who isn’t already acutely aware of her shortcomings and failures with her family, who doesn’t despair over the things she’s done poorly and try to improve them. I can’t think of a mother I know who would hear a parenting criticism from a stranger without thinking, “I already knew that, and I already feel badly about it.” We don’t need to criticize each other—we’re all doing a magnificent job of criticizing ourselves already.

Some moms’ best might include balancing a full-time job with motherhood—more power to them. Some moms’ best might involve homeschooling their children or planning elaborate Pinterest-worthy activities to educate and entertain them—good for them. Some moms’ best might mean frequent iPhone checks throughout the day to connect with family and friends to feel supported and loved and validated. We’re all doing our best, whatever that may look like. And I hope we can all start trusting that our ‘best’ doesn’t all have to look the same, and start doing each other the favor of respecting and supporting each others’ ‘best’ without feeling the need to criticize or look down on their choices and actions.

44 comments :

  1. I totally agree with you, and if the quiet moment between mom and her phone allows her to rest a little, and so to be more available and efficient for her children after that, it's a good thing to do.

    We are mother, but thanks God we are also ourselves ! Because it's good too to show children that we love to write (with a phone ?), read, sew, cook, repair, build... We don't have to be available at any time.

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  2. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm going to share it with my hussband wwho I think needs to hear it more than me even! ;)

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  3. i just feel bad that my kids will never grow up knowing a world without technology at their fingertips 24/7. that thought alone makes me want to go live off the grid somewhere.

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  4. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm going to share it with my hussband wwho I think needs to hear it more than me even! ;)

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  5. amen! great post! and how about teaching our children indpendence and how it is ok to be happy by themselves as well?:)

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  6. I really needed this post today! A friend recently posted on her blog about this same subject but with the opposite conclusion--thatbshenwas being selfish by ever doing anything for herself and therefore needed to throw herself into spending every single moment with her daughters. My reaction was much like yours--defensive at first, and then self conscious after. But I love the perspective you offered here--that I am a person that deserves nourishment as well, but also the reminder to take that nourishment and use bit to refresh myself to spend more time with my child. I think too often I squander my "me" time and then crave more and more, instead of making it meaningful and then returning to my child refreshed and recharged. Thank you on for this perspective of balance-that my child and I are both people and we both need to be taken care of!

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  7. Well said. It is so easy to pass judgement on people when you only catch a glimps of their lives. We are all doing our best in the way that suits us and our children end of story!

    Alison
    x

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  8. Thank you so much for this. I think all moms are constantly feeling judged and it's a nice reminder that we're all just doing our best, whatever that may be.

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  9. A very well written post! I firmly believe that I can't take care of anyone else if I don't take care of myself first. I also believe that I will never foster independence in my child if I don't step back sometimes, and, to tell you the truth, he doesn't want me in his face all the time. I wouldn't want someone in my face all the time either :)

    LC from theworldofellesee

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  10. Well said. And even better, you give an alternative in those knee-jerk moments of silent criticism we fall into when observng others. 'She is doing the best she can and so am I.' Takes training, but I know I can change my automatic habit of 'judging unrighteous judgements.' Thanks!

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  11. As a child I honestly don't remember a single time my mother played with me. But she let me cook with her, she read me books at night, and was always there when I needed her. I never expected her to play with me. That's what I did with other kids. My 4 sisters and I all turned out just great and have wonderful relationships with her. Love that you see every mom as doing their best- what ever that might look like!

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  12. You have definitely said a mouth full.... So many of us needed to read this today.... Great Post!

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  13. I have come to this exact same realization over the last 6 months or so. We are all trying! I have a hard time balancing "me time" with feeling guilty for not being "stimulating enough"/planning the "right" number of fun activities each day/not "playing" enough with my kids. What counts as "playing?" Word games? Asking questions? Joking around while grocery shopping? Or am I bound to blocks and playing cars on the mat (every.single.day) or running laps with my 3-year old outside (have I ever mentioned my hatred for nature? Or exercise? :))?

    There are many times I have considered posting a question on facebook to see what other moms are doing with their kids. How many hours do you spend actually playing a game/cars/blocks/something your child chose to play every day? How much time does your child spend playing alone/watching a show/reading without you? But then I realized that all I was doing was trying to justify what was MY BEST. Did I really want to feel bad about comparing what I was doing with Suzy Pinterest who's homeschooling her kids and doesn't own a TV? Or did I have any right to feel better than Suzy iPhone who sends her kids to daycare while she plays at the mall? NO!! We are all doing our best. Unless a child's welfare is in question, I totally agree- let's all back up off each other! THANK YOU for writing this so much more eloquently than I did. And I couldn't agree more with the paragraph where you talking about criticizing ourselves-- we are all doing a great job of that already. YES.

    I want to give you a freaking award for this article. Thanks for being a super cool non-judgy friend.

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  14. While I appreciate your post,I don't think reading book as the same as being on the i phone. I think it's important to be aware that some of us moms actually do ignore our children a lot of the time because we are doing stuff on our phones. I know I have caught myself not paying attention . It's not really the same as reading a book, so don't feel guilty. Reading a book is a good role model for your children and doesn't create the type of distractedness that say, checking your FB, tweets and e mail every 2 minutes does. It has more to do with not being really present I think. It's like an addiction for some people.

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    1. When I read "books" in public, most of the time it is from my phone on my e-reader app, on which I have downloaded books for my kids to read when they have to wait for me somewhere. I also read a TON of news on facebook....from my phone, from which I keep my children updated on current events especially concerning government activities. Technology helps us take that book to the park without lugging something extra with us.Don't assume to know what people are doing on their phones.

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  15. Yep! So very well said. The comments on the article were very interesting... many well-written and thoughtful replies, showing lots of different reactions, just like you've got above. I agree with a lot of the points made here, too - like Lydia, I don't remember either of my parents ever playing with me, but we did other things together. There was another comment on DN where they said cell phones are becoming like adult pacifiers, and I agree with that, too. My neighbor can't be separated from hers for 2 seconds and is constantly texting even when she's sitting on my couch having a conversation with me, which I can't stand. So yeah - I think some people do go over the top. But that's not to say I don't have my own "over the top" problems - maybe mine aren't quite so visible as a cell phone. Llike you said - we are all doing our best!

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  16. Love that you wrote this... love your honesty.

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  17. Thank you, Rachel. I have thought the same thing for so long. I really appreciate your honesty and understanding. As a mom of five kids myself, I know how hard it can be to feel overwhelmed and under-apreciated...even (and perhaps, especially) by the sweet little ones we care for! And just because I have five children now, it doesn't mean that when I only had one, or two, or three, that I didn't feel the exact same way. Being a mom is a hard job, and all we can do is our best...whatever that may be! :) You rock!

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  18. Great thoughts! Thanks for sharing. I think this translates to EVERY aspect of life too..appearences, spouses, lifestyle choices... We have the ability to choose for a reason. Why are people so critical? (ESPECIALLY to ourselves!) There is always a bottom of the iceberg. I have found that everytime I pass a thoughtless judgement, I am always only seeing a small part of the story. We are all just trying the best we can!
    "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" ;)

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  19. My only problem with parents who are constantly on their phones is that it really seems like there is an epidemic of parents who are not watching their kids at all. We go to our local children's museum pretty often, and it drives me CRAZY how many parents are so immersed in their phones that they don't notice when a)their kid falls down and starts crying or b)their kid beats up on another kid!

    I am all for teaching kids to play independently--I am usually sitting on the bench at the park while Robert plays. :) But I really feel like a lot of parents are not taking responsibility for their kids' safety, or for making sure they are learning to interact appropriately with other kids, because they are so distracted by their phones.

    Rant over. Great post!

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  20. Great post! I completely agree with you. While not only needing a break myself, I want to teach my daughters to be independant and learn to do things and play on their own.

    Now to get my husband to read this.. :)

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  21. Well said...you write very well. Thank you for sharing!

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  22. Thank you so much for posting this, Rachel. I agree with you. I seem to have encountered alot of these similar matters, especially after deciding to stay at home with my kids/freelance almost three years ago. I especially love your quote "I am doing my best. and so is she." One I certainly will remember. :)

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  23. I love this! Thank you. We all need to remember that we do not know the whole story.

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  24. No mom, however lacking others may observe her to be, ever gets up in the morning and says, "I'm going to be the worst mom I can be today." We don't know that mom's life or story. We only know our story. I truly believe each mom gives the most she can to her kids. Thanks for the reminder.

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  25. As an expectant first time mum it was really reassuring to read this. I do wonder how I'll cope. x

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  26. I 100% agree! Although I do feel guilty sometimes for not interacting with her more and know I could do a little better, I know I'm still a very good mother and that I need my own time. I have the exact same approach as you when it comes to letting her entertain herself most of the time.

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    1. Also this is a fantastic reminder for me not to be judgmental. Loved your thoughts.

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  27. THANK YOU for writing that. It is okay to have balance in one's life and have a life. You are so right! Love this.

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  28. Such an awesome post! Seriously, I have never felt the need to post a comment on any blog before this - but I thought this deserved it!! Loved it! It is so true, we don't know the whole story about another mum's life, and it's just not our place to judge!! I thought you said it brilliantly! Well done!!

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  29. Obviously I'm not a mom, but I get this. Probably because I've worked with kids for most of my life. Kids are exhausting and sometimes moms need mental breaks. I don't understand this obsession with mothers needing to judge other mothers. And the obsession with the thought that mothers should spend 100% of their time with their children. Children need to learn to play independently. (I'm a professional. That's a fact.)

    Doing your best is all you can do.

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  30. Thank you for being a positive influence in my life...your words of encouragement and loving point of view are very inspiring to me. Thanks for the uplift today!

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  31. I love your thoughts on this, especially your mantra. I need to take it up as my own as well!

    Have you read "Bringing Up Bebe"? The French parenting book? In it, the author gives a really funny description of American mothers who follow their children around at the park, exclaiming over every little action. It made me laugh because I have been at the park with mothers just like that, and they make me feel a little bit guilty if I'm chatting with a friend or (trying) to read my book. But like you said: "I am doing my best. And so is she."

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  32. I couldn't agree more and also think that way of thinking applies to all areas of life, not just motherhood. Everyone wants the freedom to live their life as they choose, so how can you claim that right for yourself and at the same time deny it to others? There is not one "right" way to live life, no pattern that every life must follow. If we could all be a little bit more open minded and a little bit less judgmental, we would see that everyone really is doing the best they can, and that is perfectly okay.

    I loved this post and a couple of your answers to readers' questions recently that were similar. Thanks for the uplifting and positive perspective on a very important topic!

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  33. I completely agree with you. Mom's should be supporting each other rather than judging constantly. Thank you for writing this!

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  34. Amen! I don't even have kids yet, but I've still noticed the heavy criticism that goes around motherhood circles. And I'm really not looking forward to it. Hopefully this article will be a little nudge in the right direction.

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  35. SO well written, I really appreciate your take on this! You are spot on. Kids need to know they are loved, but they also need to learn independence, and everything in life is about balance! I agree too that we need to just stop criticizing each other as moms. Everyone has their own parenting style and some things are just more important to some moms than others! I for one will not be planning elaborate Pinterest projects on a daily basis. :)

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  36. IDK, I've read on a mommy blogger site written by a 22 year old with one 4 month old child that if you break eye contact with them before they turn 10 years old they immediately burst into flames. I'm not taking any chances on this, but I'm sure subpar moms like you are doing the best they can!

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  37. I really, really, really needed to hear this. I am my own worst critic when it comes to parenting my son and I put a ton of pressure on myself. So I spend every minute when I get home from work trying to engage with him. What's happened is that he will not play quietly by himself for a few minutes while I get dinner in the oven or clean the dishes or fold a load of laundry. So in trying to be "perfect", what I have done is taught him that he doesn't have to entertain himself for a little bit at a time.
    We are all works in progress, but I love your mantra. And I need to start repeating it to myself, too.

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  38. Great post!

    I just popped over from a FB link, and look forward to reading more.

    Laurel
    homeschooling mama of 12 . . .
    who likes to read books and check my iPhone at the park :)

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