I’ve spent a pretty decent portion of the time I’ve been a mother feeling like I’m a crappy mom. Not the negligent, abusive kind, but not a particularly good one, either. I think it boils down to comparison. I look at other moms who seem happier than me, or more involved with their kids than I am, or more fun or motivated or confident or whatever other qualities I decided make a mom good and I inevitably come up short. And naturally, since there is only one precise way to be a fantastic mother (*snort*), if I don’t fit that mold, I must stink. Fluff and nonsense, of course, but it’s a learning process.
I’m learning to come to terms with the sort of mom I am and the sort of mom I am not, and working to pinpoint the specific things I am good at. Instead of beating myself up and feeling guilty about not being the sort of mom I wish I was, how about focusing on the sort of mom I actually am and appreciating that instead? If I try and focus more on my good qualities, I actually feel like I’m doing a good enough job over here. (Because really, these kids are fed and loved and taken care of, and isn’t that enough? I hope so, at least.)
I am not good at playing with my children and entertaining them for hours, but I am good at allowing them to be independent and giving them the space and time to discover their own interests and imaginations. I think those are valuable skills in a world where we seem to expect to be constantly entertained. They’re both pretty good at keeping themselves occupied, and I think that’s an important thing to know how to do.
I am not good at setting up playdates and fostering friendships, but I am good at building family relationships. I’m a hardcore introvert and it’s a struggle for me to get together with people very often, but the whole reason we moved to Utah was to be near my family, and I make sure my kids see plenty of their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins.
I am not good at raising an adventurous eater (Forrest’s pickiness is a discouraging testament to this), but I am good at giving him options. 9 times out of 10, he refuses to try the foods I offer him, but since I love to cook and try new recipes and explore different flavors, he has no shortage of opportunities to taste new things and enjoy a great variety of foods when he is ready.
I am not good at carrying out at-home educational activities, but I am good at letting my kids be kids. I am exhausted by even the thought of teaching my 3-year old to read, or doing little preschool lessons with him, but he gets plenty of time to run, to play, to be silly, to imagine. I think that’s what’s most important for him right now.
I am not good at making my children the absolute, sole focus of my entire world, but I am good at making time for myself to recharge. One thing that made me nervous about becoming a parent was the possibility of losing myself in the process. I looked at other moms who seemed so overwhelmed, so completely wrapped up in their kids’ lives, so entirely focused on their children that they sort of seemed to disappear. A few years ago, I was chatting with a mother of five, and I asked her what her hobbies were. She thought for a minute, and finally said, “I don’t remember.” I’m not saying she, or any moms like her, are doing anything wrong in putting their kids first—I’m sure they are wonderful, attentive, involved mothers—but the thought of losing myself, my time, my hobbies, scared me. I’m good at having my own life, apart from my kids—making time for my interests and talents and the things that make me feel like me.
I am not good at being patient, but I am good at making sure my children know they are loved. I get irritated and upset at Forrest often—sooooooo often—and hearing him tell me that I need to apologize for shouting at him is a consistent reminder that I need to take a deep breath and work on developing some patience. But at the end of the day, these two stinkers know that they are loved, and hopefully that is enough. Forrest always asks to snuggle while he watches TV, he hears the words “I love you” multiple times a day, and he gets tucked into bed at night with a hug and a kiss and a prayer. No matter what else I fail at, this seems like the most important success.
What are you good at?
I completely understand what you mean. Nobody is perfect and there will be other people in your kids life that will take up the role of teacher, friend, play date etc. You are doing great!
ReplyDeleteI love this post! It's so easy to get wrapped up in how somebody else's life appears to be. I love the idea of focusing on what you ARE good at...so here's my small list:
ReplyDelete1. I am good at sticking to routine where it matters. Dinner, bath, boob, bed. Every day. It means my son feels secure and doesn't fight bedtime.
2. I am good at being flexible and teaching him to go with the flow when it matters. Last minute lunch with friends? Sure no problem, lets go Little Man!
3. I am good at allowing him to entertain himself (at all of 7.5months old!) and not stressing about the toys strewn all over the lounge because he has been having fun.
4. I am good at providing healthy meal options and letting him experiment and play and feed himself.
5. And finally, I am good at documenting all the little moments through photos and videos so we can both look back. But I am also good at putting the camera down secure in the knowledge that there are some things even a camera can't capture.
Absolutely loved this! Definitely a good reminder to yourself... I think we have a lot of the same qualities as moms, too.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. I think many moms feel like this...if they're not setting up playdates, providing educational/preschool lessons, enrolling their kids in sports/classes, taking them on daytrips...then surely they must not be a good mother. NONSENSE! Although my boys are both teenagers now, I mothered much like you. I put emphasis on building family relationships, playing, etc. My teens are both well-adjusted happy kids now. I really don't think they suffered at all from my "non-perfect" mothering skills. ;) Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteForrest is deep in the 'why?' phase--sooo many questions about everything! I love your perspective on your kids being yours because you were the best one to raise them. I've never though about it that way. Love it.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I was thinking recently that I don't remember my mom ever playing with me. I seriously can't remember her once playing with toys with me, or joining us kids when we were playing a game. But I DO remember always being welcome to join her in what she was doing, and I think that's where my love for reading and cooking and crafts came from, because that's what she liked to do, too, and she always let us 'help' her (although I doubt we were ever very helpful). And I certainly never felt deprived because of it :-)
ReplyDeleteAwesome list! I think those are great things to be good at.
ReplyDeleteI don't have kids yet, but this was so wonderful to read, Rachel! I'm terrified of both being a "bad mom" and of losing out on the things I love to do now and this was a great reminder that neither things have to happen!
ReplyDeleteThis was a post I really needed today. I have one more month of summer break left and I've been spending the day dreading going back to teaching. But then sometimes I think the adult interaction will do me some good (then immediately feeling guilty). Off to make my list of things I am good at! Thanks for the reminder that we are all good enough in different ways!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way - it was a BIG deal when either of our parents sat down to play with us. Happened very rarely, and it was always a special occasion, but I always remember being allowed in her sewing room to help. Her lessons obviously stuck, because I love spending time in my own sewing room now. And Mom made us play independently a lot. And I never, ever, ever, ever questioned whether or not mom or dad loved me! I remind myself of that frequently, when I'm getting the guilts over not spending enough "quality time" with my kids.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this! I've been struggling a lot with this lately, and I really appreciate your positivity! I am good at supporting my kids' in their interests and activities...and helping them appreciate themselves as individuals!
ReplyDeleteAnd *I* think you are a fantastic mom!
The funny thing about this post is that I think you seem like an awesome mom. Your lack of helicopter parenting gets two thumbs up in my childless book!
ReplyDeleteI love this post and thank you for writing it. It was a reminder to myself that I am a good mom. So much of this is exactly how I am and I don't give myself enough credit, I tend to focus on comparing myself to other moms and feeling down when I am not doing what they are doing. Again...thank you for posting this! Some of us moms needed to read it!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thank you. Thank you. This follows the post I had planned for today to a T. I love and appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteRachel you are such a gifted writer and express things so well! I absolutely loved your article. It helps keep things in perspective as a mother and remember to be Jessica too!
ReplyDeleteThis gets so much worse when they are in school, especially when super parents look like the paparazzi at events! The worst for me are graduations from 5th and 8th grade, when honor society, etc are called to receive awards. Sometimes my kids make it, and some times not, but I always blame myself when they don't. Moms do it all and our self talk is so harsh! That inner voice that is our worst critic.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is AMEN! I'm with you on every single one of those. And I say again I wish we didn't live across the country from one another because we could be homebodies together... like go to each others houses crochet side by side and let the boys be boys and the little girls tell them what to do ;)
ReplyDeleteI´m not a mom yet. But I see so many kids today who can´t entertain themselves properly over a short amount of time. That´s something our parents-generation knew better: When I think back at my own childhood I love to think at the times I just sat in my room listening to a cassette (yeah you had cassettes back then) and playing alone with my dolls or joining one of my siblings for playing. So I think that´s a very useful thing to learn for a kid. Also, comparison is the worst enemy in every part of live, especially because you tend to compare to the wrong people. (e.g. with people who do things already some years when you´re still at the beginning)
ReplyDeleteI think these are things every mom needs to be reminded of from time to time. None of us are going to be the "perfect" mother. There is no such thing. But we can be the perfect mother for our children. All they really need is us, our time, our love.
ReplyDeleteLove! This is still a process for me too. We basically have the same weaknesses, so if you're a crappy mom, then I'm one too. ;) ah... Comparison is the thief of happiness! We must keep trying!
ReplyDeleteI love this post so much. I often belittle myself as a mom because I'm not doing it the right way. (Or the way the Internet tells me is the right way.) But, in the end, we are all awesome at being parents for different reasons. And it's totally something we should celebrate. This post is really well-done.
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons I love your blog is because you're honest - self-deprecating, sure, but never truly insulting to yourself. You admit your flaws and your struggles, which makes you easy to relate to. Even this list, you list where you're not a "perfect" parent, but the qualities you list as strengths are really great parent qualities IMHO. I'm facing parenthood (in less than 3 months!), and I'm scared, but my goal is that my kid feel like my students do at the end of the school day: They have clear limits and expectations, they are safe, and they are loved and believed in 100%.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Thanks for sharing. I struggle with a lot of the same things :)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post! Like you, I'm a big introvert and need my *me* time as a mom. So, I don't spend every waking hour entertaining my kids. I believe that as long as we do make some time to remind them that they are loved, and to simply be there for them when they do need us, we are good moms. It's all a delicate balance and changes every day, doesn't it? I love your blog! I discovered it a few months ago while Googling 'growing out a pixie cut' and found your hair post, which was fabulous. Your writing style is fantastic, and I do admire that, as an introvert, you have such a great online following! I'm wondering whether you have any concerns about privacy, what to share and what to avoid writing about. This is the one aspect of my personality that has gotten in my way of keeping a consistent blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that great comment! You will make an awesome mom, I'm sure. And you're probably already on an awesome track for it since you have experience teaching.
ReplyDeleteYay for introverts! I have wondered about the privacy issue . . . there are certain things I feel like I *should* share for the sake of being open and honest and transparent, but don't feel comfortable doing so. And then there are things I feel like I probably *shouldn't* share, simply because I don't see other people do it often (like being honest about how hard I find parenting, and how frustrated I get with it), but then when I do, I get such a nice response from readers who have felt the same way and worried that they were the only ones struggling, so it's great to have that connection and reassurance. So I guess, in summary, I have no idea what I'm doing :-)
ReplyDeleteLove this post Rachel! You already know I commiserate with almost everything you say, so I'm more than happy to be good (enough) right there with you. I'm terrible at "playing" with my kids, but I try everyday to make sure we do at least one thing together that they want to do. I just don't have the patience for a marathon tea party or lego session. Growing up the most common phrase out of my Mom's mouth was "I have a headache. Just go away and let me take a nap." Honestly it hurt hearing that no one wanted anything to do with me, so I want my munchkins to know that even though they drive me nuts more days than not, I still like having them around...quietly. ;-) If I can manage that much, that's good enough for me.
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